for the last several journals, i have been talking about my cancer, about the effects and changes it has wrought apon my simple life.
issues, that are compounded by what rhentin had done to me, his abuse of my feelings, his disrespect to my things, and his treatment of my person.
the reason it hurts alot, is becasue he slept with me under false pretenses, and he KNEW that for me to have him inside of me, was puttning my life on the line. but i loved him that much.
all this anger, at my cancer, at what rhentin has done to me, and at what the dr's want to do to me, has made me a very sick person.
i no longer trust anyone, im always scared, that people are lying to me now, that there going to take advantage of me if i let them close. rhentin could not have picked worse timeing to hurt me so badly.
now, i have lost everythign i held dear in my life.
my grandparents passed away, my grandfather having had the same cancer i do. then my grandmother passes,
then i meet rhentin, and i was once more safe, and loved, and i loved him with all my heart, so much so, i knowingly put my life on the line to sleep with him, he could have punctured the now thin, weak walls of my dieing rectum, and killed me. with sepsis, or something else just as bad. he diden't care.
all these things, add up into a massive problem.
im now so scared, so paralized with fear, i cannot make any choices for myself. and i hate to say this, but even with all that rhentin did to me, if given the chance, i would take him back, just to have someone by my side. one of rhentins freinds says that sence i am out of the picture, rhentin has been doing tons better...well good. im glad really.
me, i lost my home, my freinds, i had no family to begin with, that was supposed to be where rhentin came in, as my "family"
now im alone, 17oo miles away from the place i love.. reduced to being in a room.
some people might get the impression that i am vain, well im not. i know im not good looking, there fore no reason to be vain.
in 8 days im supposed to have my surgery.
and im so scared about what there going to do to me, that my mind cringes in the back of my skull from the sheer brutality of what there going to do.
rhentin had a saying that he used to tell me all the time, "never give up, never surrender" he would say that over and over to me, just before he gave up on me.
all these things, that people don't think are a huge deal, or people don't care to get into, are forgetting to factor an already stressed psyche, due to cancer, and i don't care what anyone says, cancer is scary as fuck. rhentin, made it easyer to deal with, the fact that he supposedly loved me at the time, made going through these things alot easyer.
now, easy...is a thing of the past. nothing more than an old worn out dream. and to this day, i miss him more than anything in the world, and i would trade my life just to have the rhentin i fell in love with back.
but now, i have nothing, i have become a burdon on my freinds, and my family don't know me well enough, to help me....i think? O_o
now, i pray to die, if i go through this surgery, i hope i die right there on the operating room table. save my self some dignity and humiliation, by not having to shit in a bag.
there's a port in my chest, i coverd it in my previous journals, well they say i should touch it every once in a while, to make sure that everything is ok... i tried that once, got sick to my tummy and puked my brains out. i haven't touched it sence, let the chemo nurses tend it, it's there job.
now they want to rip out a foot of my rectum, and attach my colon to my asshole, and while that heals they want to give me an illostomy bag, it's a collostomy bag that attaches to the small intestine instead of the large one.
if i cannot touch or look at my port, how the fuck am i gonna tend a bag of shit hanging off my side??!!
im not a vain person either, im not that good looking. no reason to be vain.
and now i hate dr's too, and when you toss that in with the damage that rhentin did to me, you get a person who hates, and dosen't trust dr's.
everytime now that i go to one of these so called dr's, they poision me with chemo, or shoot me up with radiation, or make me hurt in some new and unique way.
your supposed to go to doctors to get better, not worse v.v.
if i get the surgery, i "die" becasue i won't come out of that room the same way i went in, and if i do not get the surgery, i will really die, becasue the cancer will kill me eventually.
and either way, there's going to be pain, from the surgery i am to have, or as the cancer progresses through my body, eating this thing or that...there might also be pain as well....
then you couple that with the new found info, that my DNA contains 5 out of 5 markers for cancer...and suddenly the picture gets so much more complex.
the dr's say ill pull through this upcoming surgery just fine, im young and in good health... i only have a falure rate of 3-10% which is damned good. so whats the big idea? why all this fuss?
becasue this cancer stems from the fact that my DNA is bad, that means the genetic trigger is now active, that will create cancer within my body, this means ANY kind of cancer...
so i have my rectum removed, what if it hit's my colon next? or i get skin cancer? or eye cancer? or face cancer? or i dunno dick cancer? what then? do i just keep lopping parts off?
all these choices are so hard to make, when your soul AND your body hurts. my life has become a conglomeration of narcotic painkillers, trips to the dr's for stupid shit, and lots and lots of weed, no longer do i use it to medicate myself to aid in my appitite, now i smoke till i simply cannot feel anymore.. becasue feeling nothing at all, is far better than feeling what i am feeling right now.
it's weard, i never used to be this angry, or have this much hatred, this isen't me. im a nicer person than this.
i hate myself. and the descusting monster of a man i have become.
and people say "you need help" and you know what they are absolutely right, i do need help, but i cannot ask for it. it's just too much, and it means trusting another set of people....and thats just not something i want to do right now. or can for that matter.
rhentin, has me thinking im this terrible person, that i chased him away.. i really don't know what went on inside his head, i know what he tells me, but he lied to me, and stole from me.... so who knows, but now, i think that i am this terrible person, and becasue his mom had to ask me "did it ever occur to you that the reason you have rectal cancer is becasue you are gay?" comment, i now am ashamed that im gay, i mean, mebbie i do have rectal cancer becasue im gay... it's just as viable as an explination as DNA is i gusse.
part of me dosen't want to go through with any of this, becasue i loved rhentin so much, and i respected him, and for him to do what he did to me, makes me feel like i really deserve to die, i mean, mebbie all these bad things are happning to me, becasue im supposed to die? mebbie there all "signs" or something like that.
becasue of the cancer, exsasperated by the issues rhenten caused, my battle with cancer has become more complex, far more complex than it should have ever have been. i don't care that rhentin left me, if thats what he wanted to do, his loss.
but the timing could not have been worse, the psychological damage it has caused me....has got my mind all sorts of screwd up..
i now hate dr's and don't trust them, i think i said that before,
all they want to do is cut me open, and make me feel worse.
loss of mate, loss of body parts, pain, humiliation, no self respect, no self worthyness, no honour. nothing.
these are all things that are prevelent in my life right now.
and you know what? i do not even think rhentin cares, not one word has he said to me.. can you imagine how that makes one feel?
some say i am giving up, others say im coragious for making the choices i am making.... truthfully guys, i have no idea what i am doing...im simply running scared, and im running has far and as fast as my now weakend condition will let me.
one thing though, unlike how it was with rhentin that ran from his issues, i cannot run from mine, when i get there, where ever it is im trying to run too...there it will be, cancer. waiting for me.
i wish that rhentin was there, waiting for me... i really do, as much as i hate him right now, i wish he was there.
to have cancer, and to have to go it completely alone, is a terrifying ordeal, and i really hope and pray that you all never get it... accept that one dude, the one that fooled everyone? yea, i wish he would get cancer, he would see then, that it's not a walk in the park, not easy, and not fun at all.
cancer... it's the scareyest thing i have ever had the misfortune to encounter in my life..
one day, while living in ypsilanti, i got up, gave rhentin his morning kiss...and some other things XD, and got in my car and drove to the chemo ward, to have my pump attached for the week. i walked into the place, and there was a boy, mebbie about 11-13 years of age, bald, with a hat on
next to him was a machene, and 2 iv bags on a pole, one had a clear liquid in it, and the other, the liquid was a dark amber colour. i stopped dead in my tracks.
i turned around and quickly left for the waiting room.
i made the oncology nurses hook me up out there, and change the time i met with them. anything to avoid that little boy with cancer...
now, some of you might think that im heartless for doing such a thing.. but hear me out.
at that moment, something sunk in deep into my mind.
cancer dosen't care.
it dosen't care if you are black, or white, young or old, asian, or african. it simply dosen't give a fuck.
that little boy did not deserve to be in that chemo ward, what the fuck did he do???!!! he should have been playing outside in the sun with the other boys and girls his age. to see.....that..
tore my heart out. it made me sad, and pissed.
what i wonder now, is what kind of cancer that boy had, and how the hell was he stronger than me?
rhentin showed me the reality for the first time, of how curle a person could be towards another human being. whats to say the dr's in the future won't treat me the same way?
rhentin also told me he "loved" me, right before he snuk upstairs with my best freind, to cheat on me. whats to say the health care professionals in the future won't do the same to me?
the complexitys of dealing with my cancer have become exsasperated by what has happend in my own personal relationship. all these things, the cancer, the way rhen treated me... have all built up to a problem thats far worse than anything he's dealing with. they have paralized me with indecision.
no longer do i beleve people when they say nice things to me, no longer do i beleve that people genuinely care and love me.
now....now i think that people are out to use me for something, that there going to take what they need, and leave me behind, or worse, hurt me.
i don't think anyone really likes me anymore, becasue if i where a decent person, then rhen would not have done to me what he did, mebbie thats the whole reason i had cancer then met him....
mebbie im getting payed back for a previous life or something...
my ability to trust people has been severely shatterd by what has happend to me the last 3 and a half months.
my faith has been destroyed, my diginity all but destroyed, i have been humiliated by my cancer. and right now i feel totally worthless, and yes, i have given up.
"i wish you would die" rhen told me the last time we talked, now, knowing what i know about the surgery, and all that.... i wonder if he just might get his wish.
i have had to write out a will, appoint a executor of estate. and all sorts of shit, im only 30!
i had wanted to leave rhentin and his freind steve with alot of things of mine, but that got ruined, they genuinly don't care about me at all... in fact, rhen even said he diden't read my blogs.
i wish that i could take that cold heartedness, that rhen and steve had shown me, and apply it to how i look at my cancer.
im thinking of committing myself at this time, not to get away from my surgery, but to save my sanity. cancer, and rhentin, or chris or whatever you want to call him, have fucked my mind up so bad, that i just don't feel right anymore..
i don't feel like me.
i really hate what i have become now, and if i go through the surgery, i hate even more what i will become.
and if the illostomy bag is perminant, that will only compound my issues....
how will i tell a new mate, that im missing my rectum, and that i have this bag attached to my side, that i shit in.....
how will a mate find me attractive? how will i be able to look at myself with a hideous scar, and a bag of shit hanging off my side?
becasue of my cancer and what rhen did to me, i have never in my life wanted to die so badly. now each night, instead of praying to wake up next to rhentin, i pray that during the night, i die. so i do not have to wake up to this living nightmare anymore.
and if that hasen't happend, and it probibly won't becasue god hates me.
i pray that when they operate on me, that i die..right there on the table, that way i won't have to wake up to the humiliating monstrosoty that my body has become.
someone asked me "do you know if it would be better if you where still with chris?" my reply to that was "yes, becasue at least with all this hell going on right now in my patheticly shitty life, at least i would have someone that loved me."
my biological mom gets her wish too, becasue she wanted me dead before i was even born im "the mistake that lived"
and the "living abortion" and all sorts of other horrid things.
meebie chris, and my mother are right, mebbie i just should die.
but becasue i cannot make up my mind, becasue it's so out of wack right now, becasue i cannot think straight, i choose to do absolutly nothing right now.
in 8 days there going to rip my body apart. having had happen, what has in my life, along with the new knowledge that my DNA could possibly kill me, coupled with what rhentin did to me.
has made this choice so much more complex than it need be. and i right now am to sick to really care to stop it.
never give up never surrender.....
how do i do that? when the person i was looking at as a role model, diden't just do that, he ran....
i have loads of thinking to do, first on if i am going to committ myself or not, then if i am going to bother with surgrey,
chris, i don't know if you are out there reading this, but i just want to say this to you...
learn from what you did to me, and how it's affected my life...
and don't do this to someone else... me? im a pacifist, you got off lucky on that one. but the other guy you date....you might not be so lucky.
goodnight everyone. please take care.