i have noticed outside my house, that every other week or so, theres a small group of people that are anti-abortion protesters.
and i get angry when i see them, mostly becasue they cause a distraction to traffic, but becasue i think what there doing is wrong.
it's not for me to say if abortion is good or bad, im a gay male, what do i know about bearing children?
the reason why i think there wrong, isen't becasue there agenst abortion, if they don't like it, thats fine, i can respect that. HOWEVER i think the fact that they are trying to force there views on other people is wrong. america was founded on freedom of choice among other things, and i think that it should be left up to the individual, not the masses to choose what is right and wrong.
as a gay male there are alot of things that we have to fight as well, and they all involve other people telling us what we can and cannot do.
we are not supposed to have sex, as in most states sodomy is illegal and still punishable by jail time or fines or both.
and what about people in the military? and in some states? did you know that it's illegal in alot of states to have sex in any position other than missionary? its punishable by jail time, and in the military dishonorable dishcharge!
who the fuck are these people to tell you how you can have sex? or whom with? or that sticking it in one hole is ok but in the other is illegal?
who the hell are people to tell you what to do with your body in the privacy of your own home with your girlfreind/boyfreind?

do i think aborton is bad? personally? yes. do i think i have the right to inflict my choice on another? no.
thats what makes me an american, not killing some highly edjucated doctor to prove my point, but letting others decide what to do themselves. i beleve that freedom of choice, dosen't mean to accept something only when it suits our means, but to accept all things.

this. i think is the better way of doing things, less bloodshed really.


rhentins chest cold.

as some of you know, i had the unfortunate experiance of being rhentins mate, is it wrong that becasue he has a chest cold, im happy?
oh well... i gusse birthday wishes do come true. mebbie he will finally get a taste of his own medicine. karma's a bitch when you piss her off.

mebbie it will turn into walking pnumonia, that would be rather lovely. and yes....

can't you tell i have gotten over him now? now, my anger can set in, so yes. i do wish him ill. mebbie his cold will bring him to the brink of death, that would be lovely...then he will know almost what it's like to stand in my shoes....now if i could only find someone that would treat him, the way he treated me... then mebbie he would see how fucked up he really is.

to be honist....im rooting for the cold.

the fact that he is misurable right now, brings me great happyness.

and the fact that he wasted thousands of dollars of his mothers money, only to work as a lowly stocker...also makes me giggle...
so far, my birthday just keeps getting better.

i think my favorite artist, voltare said it best when he said:
What do you call it
when another forces your hand
and what will they say
when they find me here this way
and know, no no no it wasn't my idea
no it wasn't my idea
but oh,just to see your face
when you find me here like this
now there's no time for wondering
darkness is now at my door
rapping with bony fingers
he's come to take me home
he'll envelope me in sleep
wrapped in black feathery wings

but before we fly, here's my goodbye

I get the last word

i get the last laugh
as sure as the room is growing cold
I'll have the last word
I'll have the last laugh
as sure as my blood is running cold
they won't call it suicide
because i've got the killer's name
engraved so deeply in my veins
they will call it homocide
because i've got your name
so clearly carved into my wrist
the weak and the lame will find their way
to escape but why should i
leave all this beauty behind
and forfeit the joy in my life
in the name of an enemy

I'll have the last word
I'll have the last laugh
as sure as the room is growing cold
I'll have the last word
I'll have the last laugh
as sure as your blood is running cold

far be it for I to leave all this beauty behind
i will stay to watch you wither away
and with any luck you may be hit by a truck
and i will remain to dance upon your grave
oh, look, can't you see how much your death means to me
please won't you play in a busy street
Far be it for I to leave all this beauty behind
I will remain to dance upon your grave

  • Current Mood
    amused amused


someone told me the other day, that i should thank god that im alive and count my blessings.

i don't think they realise how badly i hate god.

so i think it's time i tell.

dear god,

im thankfull that you decided to fuck my life up.
im greatfull that you would show me love, only to have it taken away.
im gratefull that you gave to me a life threatning illness that caused me to loose body parts.
im thankfull that you decided to make my life misurable and allow me the esteemed privledge of shitting into a bag for who knows how long.
im greatfull that you have decided to beat me down, just like you did job.

but there's one thing thats diffrent between me and job, unlike that idiot who woulden't curse god for fucking with him on a bet.

i do, in fact, i hate every single aspect of god. even the fact that he exists.

i hate the fact he's taken my home, my heart, my self esteem, my pride, and my health.
i hate the fact that just becasue he deemed it so, i have to suffer.
what kind of god is that?

let me tell you a bit about god, he simply dosen't give a fuck.
he screws with you becasue he for some reason needs entertainment. and makeing a human being as misurable as possible is the way he gets his kicks.

i firmly beleve that people who beleve in god are just plain stupid. why would you beleve in a god that condems you to sin before you are even born? that would make a new born baby die? 

why would you beleve in a god that lets terrible people get away with terrible things, but
lets give the new born baby that hasen't done shit cancer. or some other horrid discusting disease?

i only hate one thing in life, and if i could slithis throat it would be god.
and i would relish doing that.

oh yes, im angry, not at the person for showing kindness and love and caring, but for the sheer fact that they had to bring god into it.

god if he does exist, has made my life absolutely misurable. he has taken my home, my mate, my things, my pride, self esteem, self worth, and self caring. why would i want to pray to some peace of shit diety that does that?

and if you don't like my views on god, well then fuck you.

it's why i don't beleve in god, becasue quite simply he dosen't exist.
my life has nothing to do with a fictitious omnipitent dieity that dosen't give a fuck about what happens to whom.

the fact that i had cancer and that chris treated me as terribly as he did, had to do with chance. thats it. no majic, no invisible man in the sky. just chance.

i feel sorry for the millons of people out there that insist on beleving in some invisible man in the sky, who waste there time and money on god. and people bitch at me for buying shiney trinkets in the store. whats the bigger waste of money? beleveing in a so called god an invisible man in the sky? or buying something on a whim?

and we think ufo belevers are crazy. riiiight.

so the next time you go to speak to me about your so called "god" i suggest that you bite your tounge. and keep your stupid childish archaic belefes to yourself. becasue quite frankly i don't want to hear it.

so yea, thank you god, for fucking up my life, and if your trying to teach me some sort of lesson let me try to enlighten you,
you can teach a dog not to pee on the floor 2 ways.

you can beat the dog into submission.
or you can simply rub it's nose in it, or tap it on the nose jently just hard enough to teach the lesson.

and if i am wrong. and there by some strange chance there is a god, im going to walk up to him when i see him, and plant my foot so far into his nutsack that he's gonna be singing sopherono, thats if i don't slit his fucking throat first.

there is no science in religion, and there can be no religion in science.

so too all i say, fuck you and your god, keep that fucking looser to yourself. i want nothing to do with him, and hope he fucking dies.

  • Current Mood
    angry angry

never give up, never surrender.

for the last several journals, i have been talking about my cancer, about the effects and changes it has wrought apon my simple life.

issues, that are compounded by what rhentin had done to me, his abuse of my feelings, his disrespect to my things, and his treatment of my person.

the reason it hurts alot, is becasue he slept with me under false pretenses, and he KNEW that for me to have him inside of me, was puttning my life on the line. but i loved him that much.

all this anger, at my cancer, at what rhentin has done to me, and at what the dr's want to do to me, has made me a very sick person.

i no longer trust anyone, im always scared, that people are lying to me now, that there going to take advantage of me if i let them close. rhentin could not have picked worse timeing to hurt me so badly.

now, i have lost everythign i held dear in my life.
my grandparents passed away, my grandfather having had the same cancer i do. then my grandmother passes,
then i meet rhentin, and i was once more safe, and loved, and i loved him with all my heart, so much so, i knowingly put my life on the line to sleep with him, he could have punctured the now thin, weak walls of my dieing rectum, and killed me. with sepsis, or something else just as bad. he diden't care.

all these things, add up into a massive problem.
im now so scared, so paralized with fear, i cannot make any choices for myself. and i hate to say this, but even with all that rhentin did to me, if given the chance, i would take him back, just to have someone by my side. one of rhentins freinds says that sence i am out of the picture, rhentin has been doing tons better...well good. im glad really.

me, i lost my home, my freinds, i had no family to begin with, that was supposed to be where rhentin came in, as my "family"
now im alone, 17oo miles away from the place i love.. reduced to being in a room.

some people might get the impression that i am vain, well im not. i know im not good looking, there fore no reason to be vain.

in 8 days im supposed to have my surgery.

and im so scared about what there going to do to me, that my mind cringes in the back of my skull from the sheer brutality of what there going to do.

rhentin had a saying that he used to tell me all the time, "never give up, never surrender" he would say that over and over to me, just before he gave up on me.

all these things, that people don't think are a huge deal, or people don't care to get into, are forgetting to factor an already stressed psyche, due to cancer, and i don't care what anyone says, cancer is scary as fuck. rhentin, made it easyer to deal with, the fact that he supposedly loved me at the time, made going through these things alot easyer.

now, easy...is a thing of the past. nothing more than an old worn out dream. and to this day, i miss him more than anything in the world, and i would trade my life just to have the rhentin i fell in love with back.

but now, i have nothing, i have become a burdon on my freinds, and my family don't know me well enough, to help me....i think? O_o

now, i pray to die, if i go through this surgery, i hope i die right there on the operating room table. save my self some dignity and humiliation, by not having to shit in a bag.

there's a port in my chest, i coverd it in my previous journals, well they say i should touch it every once in a while, to make sure that everything is ok... i tried that once, got sick to my tummy and puked my brains out. i haven't touched it sence, let the chemo nurses tend it, it's there job.

now they want to rip out a foot of my rectum, and attach my colon to my asshole, and while that heals they want to give me an illostomy bag, it's a collostomy bag that attaches to the small intestine instead of the large one.

if i cannot touch or look at my port, how the fuck am i gonna tend a bag of shit hanging off my side??!!
im not a vain person either, im not that good looking. no reason to be vain.

and now i hate dr's too, and when you toss that in with the damage that rhentin did to me, you get a person who hates, and dosen't trust dr's.

everytime now that i go to one of these so called dr's, they poision me with chemo, or shoot me up with radiation, or make me hurt in some new and unique way.

your supposed to go to doctors to get better, not worse v.v.

if i get the surgery, i "die" becasue i won't come out of that room the same way i went in, and if i do not get the surgery, i will really die, becasue the cancer will kill me eventually.
and either way, there's going to be pain, from the surgery i am to have, or as the cancer progresses through my body, eating this thing or that...there might also be pain as well....

then you couple that with the new found info, that my DNA contains 5 out of 5 markers for cancer...and suddenly the picture gets so much more complex.

the dr's say ill pull through this upcoming surgery just fine, im young and in good health... i only have a falure rate of 3-10% which is damned good. so whats the big idea? why all this fuss?

becasue this cancer stems from the fact that my DNA is bad, that means the genetic trigger is now active, that will create cancer within my body, this means ANY kind of cancer...
so i have my rectum removed, what if it hit's my colon next? or i get skin cancer? or eye cancer? or face cancer? or i dunno dick cancer? what then? do i just keep lopping parts off?

all these choices are so hard to make, when your soul AND your body hurts. my life has become a conglomeration of narcotic painkillers, trips to the dr's for stupid shit, and lots and lots of weed, no longer do i use it to medicate myself to aid in my appitite, now i smoke till i simply cannot feel anymore.. becasue feeling nothing at all, is far better than feeling what i am feeling right now.

it's weard, i never used to be this angry, or have this much hatred, this isen't me. im a nicer person than this.
i hate myself. and the descusting monster of a man i have become.

and people say "you need help" and you know what they are absolutely right, i do need help, but i cannot ask for it. it's just too much, and it means trusting another set of people....and thats just not something i want to do right now. or can for that matter.

rhentin, has me thinking im this terrible person, that i chased him away.. i really don't know what went on inside his head, i know what he tells me, but he lied to me, and stole from me.... so who knows, but now, i think that i am this terrible person, and becasue his mom had to ask me "did it ever occur to you that the reason you have rectal cancer is becasue you are gay?" comment, i now am ashamed that im gay, i mean, mebbie i do have rectal cancer becasue im gay... it's just as viable as an explination as DNA is i gusse.

part of me dosen't want to go through with any of this, becasue i loved rhentin so much, and i respected him, and for him to do what he did to me, makes me feel like i really deserve to die, i mean, mebbie all these bad things are happning to me, becasue im supposed to die? mebbie there all "signs" or something like that.

becasue of the cancer, exsasperated by the issues rhenten caused, my battle with cancer has become more complex, far more complex than it should have ever have been. i don't care that rhentin left me, if thats what he wanted to do, his loss.
but the timing could not have been worse, the psychological damage it has caused me....has got my mind all sorts of screwd up..

i now hate dr's and don't trust them, i think i said that before,

all they want to do is cut me open, and make me feel worse.

loss of mate, loss of body parts, pain, humiliation, no self respect, no self worthyness, no honour. nothing.

these are all things that are prevelent in my life right now.
and you know what? i do not even think rhentin cares, not one word has he said to me.. can you imagine how that makes one feel?

some say i am giving up, others say im coragious for making the choices i am making.... truthfully guys, i have no idea what i am doing...im simply running scared, and im running has far and as fast as my now weakend condition will let me.
one thing though, unlike how it was with rhentin that ran from his issues, i cannot run from mine, when i get there, where ever it is im trying to run too...there it will be, cancer. waiting for me.

i wish that rhentin was there, waiting for me... i really do, as much as i hate him right now, i wish he was there.

to have cancer, and to have to go it completely alone, is a terrifying ordeal, and i really hope and pray that you all never get it... accept that one dude, the one that fooled everyone? yea, i wish he would get cancer, he would see then, that it's not a walk in the park, not easy, and not fun at all.

cancer... it's the scareyest thing i have ever had the misfortune to encounter in my life..

one day, while living in ypsilanti, i got up, gave rhentin his morning kiss...and some other things XD, and got in my car and drove to the chemo ward, to have my pump attached for the week. i walked into the place, and there was a boy, mebbie about 11-13 years of age, bald, with a hat on
next to him was a machene, and 2 iv bags on a pole, one had a clear liquid in it, and the other, the liquid was a dark amber colour. i stopped dead in my tracks.

i turned around and quickly left for the waiting room.
i made the oncology nurses hook me up out there, and change the time i met with them. anything to avoid that little boy with cancer...

now, some of you might think that im heartless for doing such a thing.. but hear me out.

at that moment, something sunk in deep into my mind.
cancer dosen't care.
it dosen't care if you are black, or white, young or old, asian, or african. it simply dosen't give a fuck.

that little boy did not deserve to be in that chemo ward, what the fuck did he do???!!! he should have been playing outside in the sun with the other boys and girls his age. to see.....that..
tore my heart out. it made me sad, and pissed.

what i wonder now, is what kind of cancer that boy had, and how the hell was he stronger than me?

rhentin showed me the reality for the first time, of how curle a person could be towards another human being. whats to say the dr's in the future won't treat me the same way?

rhentin also told me he "loved" me, right before he snuk upstairs with my best freind, to cheat on me. whats to say the health care professionals in the future won't do the same to me?

the complexitys of dealing with my cancer have become exsasperated by what has happend in my own personal relationship. all these things, the cancer, the way rhen treated me... have all built up to a problem thats far worse than anything he's dealing with. they have paralized me with indecision.

no longer do i beleve people when they say nice things to me, no longer do i beleve that people genuinely care and love me.
now....now i think that people are out to use me for something, that there going to take what they need, and leave me behind, or worse, hurt me.

i don't think anyone really likes me anymore, becasue if i where a decent person, then rhen would not have done to me what he did, mebbie thats the whole reason i had cancer then met him....
mebbie im getting payed back for a previous life or something...

my ability to trust people has been severely shatterd by what has happend to me the last 3 and a half months.
my faith has been destroyed, my diginity all but destroyed, i have been humiliated by my cancer. and right now i feel totally worthless, and yes, i have given up.

"i wish you would die" rhen told me the last time we talked, now, knowing what i know about the surgery, and all that.... i wonder if he just might get his wish.

i have had to write out a will, appoint a executor of estate. and all sorts of shit, im only 30!

i had wanted to leave rhentin and his freind steve with alot of things of mine, but that got ruined, they genuinly don't care about me at all... in fact, rhen even said he diden't read my blogs.

i wish that i could take that cold heartedness, that rhen and steve had shown me, and apply it to how i look at my cancer.

im thinking of committing myself at this time, not to get away from my surgery, but to save my sanity. cancer, and rhentin, or chris or whatever you want to call him, have fucked my mind up so bad, that i just don't feel right anymore..
i don't feel like me.

i really hate what i have become now, and if i go through the surgery, i hate even more what i will become.

and if the illostomy bag is perminant, that will only compound my issues....

how will i tell a new mate, that im missing my rectum, and that i have this bag attached to my side, that i shit in.....
how will a mate find me attractive? how will i be able to look at myself with a hideous scar, and a bag of shit hanging off my side?

becasue of my cancer and what rhen did to me, i have never in my life wanted to die so badly. now each night, instead of praying to wake up next to rhentin, i pray that during the night, i die. so i do not have to wake up to this living nightmare anymore.

and if that hasen't happend, and it probibly won't becasue god hates me.

i pray that when they operate on me, that i die..right there on the table, that way i won't have to wake up to the humiliating monstrosoty that my body has become.

someone asked me "do you know if it would be better if you where still with chris?" my reply to that was "yes, becasue at least with all this hell going on right now in my patheticly shitty life, at least i would have someone that loved me."

my biological mom gets her wish too, becasue she wanted me dead before i was even born im "the mistake that lived"
and the "living abortion" and all sorts of other horrid things.

meebie chris, and my mother are right, mebbie i just should die.
but becasue i cannot make up my mind, becasue it's so out of wack right now, becasue i cannot think straight, i choose to do absolutly nothing right now.

in 8 days there going to rip my body apart. having had happen, what has in my life, along with the new knowledge that my DNA could possibly kill me, coupled with what rhentin did to me.

has made this choice so much more complex than it need be. and i right now am to sick to really care to stop it.

never give up never surrender.....
how do i do that? when the person i was looking at as a role model, diden't just do that, he ran....

i have loads of thinking to do, first on if i am going to committ myself or not, then if i am going to bother with surgrey,

chris, i don't know if you are out there reading this, but i just want to say this to you...
learn from what you did to me, and how it's affected my life...
and don't do this to someone else... me? im a pacifist, you got off lucky on that one. but the other guy you date....you might not be so lucky.

goodnight everyone. please take care.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad


today i got news in the mail that seals my decision not to have surgery.
the letter went something like this;

Mr. Arsenault.

the genetic testing results of your cancer came in, and im afraid that your cancer IS in fact genetic, and predisposes you and your reletives to cancer (any form) it is my reccomendation that you seek councle with a genetic specalist.

in a bit over a week, im to have a major surgery.

but becasue of this new found news. i have decided. that i am not NOT going to have my surgery.

a freind of mine suggested it was god's plan....well you know what fuck god! i feel sorry that anyone who is of resonable intellegence would beleve in such a fictitious being... and we make fun of people who see UFO's...

god is nothing more than an excuse to whimp out on ones problems when they cannot hack it.

and if god does exist, and this is all part of his great plain, then obviously he's telling me to die, by fucking with my DNA. so why fight god? who the fuck am i to go agenst his whim?

whats the point of having my rectum ripped out, and an illostomy bag put in, and a tube shoved up my cock...if in a few years or so, im just going to have to do it all over again?  fuck that shit.

im not doing it, no how no way.

the only way i would ever have this surgery, is if someone knocked me out. and then they did it.
but let me tell you something, if you did knock me out, and i did wake before i got to the hospital, im going to kill the person that knocked me out....remember, i have nothing to loose.

im tired of being frightend, im tired of dr's and nurses threatning my life. with the idea of removing and doing this and that to my body.

it's embarrasing enough having rectal cancer,
of loosing my home, and my mate and my freinds.

so i choose to die, with what little dignity and self respect i have left.

medical science is a fucking joke, the only good thing about it right now, is that the drugs they will give me for my pain, will make sure that i do not feel to much. and thats better than what i am feeling now.

im tired of living in fear of my life, tired of the fucking dr's poking and proding me, tired of the pills and surgery, and all the terrible things associated with cancer.

my biological mom says im a mistake the "abortion that lived" as she puts it.
my ex  boyfreind thinks im a waste of life, and wished i would die.
god wants me dead.

so why fight this? whats the use of putting myself through all this pain and agony if only to have to deal with it in the future. or the constant fear of CANCER floating over my head "will i get it again? where will it show up next? how bad will this time be?"

fuck that im done.

i wish that i had never gone to the hospital that day when chris had brought me, i should have shut my mouth and said nothing.
yea i would still have cancer, but you know what i would have cancer, my life, and be happy.

no happyness. no love. no family.
whats there for me to live for? not one single thing.

i now beleve that anyone who beleves in this so called "GOD" is an idiot. god dosen't exist, and if he does, then he simply dosen't give a shit about you me or anyone. i HATE god, i have never hated anything this badly in my life. but if i ever see this so called "god" im going to slit his fucking throat for fucking with my life.

but then again i don't have to worry about that, becasue i now beleve more firmly than ever that there IS NO GOD!
and i feel bad for the billions of people out there, who waste there time in churches, and praying to this being that dosen't exist, or dosen't give a fuck. a mass hallucination that we continue to perpetuate just so we don't feel so alone. pathetic. all of you.

so don't sit there and say "thank god for what you do have" fuck you and your god.

im not getting my surgery. im not putting myself through that pain and embarrasment.

and in the end, GOD and my ex can have there just deserts in watching me wither away and die.
oh well, at least there lives will go on.

so i say goodby to all of you. that care and don't. im done, im going to live my life the way it was before june 12th of 2009
im going to ignore the fact that i have cancer, and im going to live out my life till i cannot anymore.
ill die misurably thats for sure, but it's better than having ones body mutilated....

and just incase you don't know what there going to do to me....

there going to make an incision from my belly button to just above my cock, there going to peel back the skin, and muscle.
then there going to tie off some blood vessles and arterys, and snip snip, remove a foot of my rectum, then there going to take my colon, and attach it directly to my asshole, at the same time, there gonna pull out infected lymph nodes, and install an illostomy bag.
and at the start of all this, there gonna shove a tube up my cock.. yes... just what i want.
there going to sew me back up after 3-5 hours of digging around in my body, and ripping me apart.

now... thats not going to happen, im not going to do ANY of this.  there's no point if the cancer is just going to come back.
so i chose to die.

with my rectum and my body intact. whats left of my pride, and my dignity, and my self respect.
ill be able to look at myself in the mirror, and not be hideous with a bag of shit hanging off my side.
and ill be able to sleep at night KNOWING that i am making the choice that is best in my life.

and so help me, if one more person, just ONE MORE FUCKING PERSON, tells me to fight, im going to ignore them for the rest of my fucking life. it's my body, my choice. fucking deal with it.

im done. im not going to live with the fear of cancer hanging over my head anymore. and if you all think thats giving up, then fine, i give up, im a coward. yadda yadda yadda. great.. here's a nice big box of go fuck yourself.

this is my choice. im sticking to it.

so this will be the last entry in my journal about cancer.
the only way that ill do anything about it, is if something so amazing happens that i have to stop and take a look and it has some kind of life changing effect on me. but that kind of shit never happens to me. so fuck it.

thank you all for being so supportive of me. im very sorry that you all wasted your time on a pathetic peace of shit like me.

  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted


today i receved a letter in the mail from the state of conneticut, stating that i have to provide a whole bunch of documents
in order to get health care.

without healthcare, i cannot get my surgery done.
it is with great regret, that i have to put off my surgery till furthur notice.
im hopeing i can get all of the documentation in a timely fasion, becasue if i wait too long, i won't have the option anymore.
it will be too late, and ill have to go through treatment all over again.....or worse.

it's just one more thing that pisses me off about this whole mess with my ex. if things haden't have gone the way they did, i woulden't have had to fuck with health insurance that had run flawlessly for 10 years. i would still be living in michigan, and well, things would be alot better than they are now.

instead, i just have a room now, no true home, in a place i tried very hard to get away from....
for 10 years i succeded living on my own, and with the help of great freinds...
then to have that all taken away by someone who diden't respect you enough to be honist with you...
hurts really bad. and makes things so much more difficult to deal with.

people think that i hate chris, becasue he left me. no.
i hate chris becasue of HOW he left me.
if he dident want to be with me, that's his loss, but how he chose to do it hurt me more than i can ever really put in words.
im not quite sure how to explane it exactly, but somehow, it feels as if something in me died when he did those things to me.
and the saddest part of all, i don't even really know what i am missing.....

one of chris's freinds has been commenting on my journal. a very well spoken guy, though im afraid, not knowing any of the facts and being alot younger than me, is getting him sucked up in the situation... a position that might be a bit over his head.
he dosen't seem to want malice, so im trying to make sure that i don't get angry at him, i will respect the fact that he feels a certain way about chris. but that dosen't do squat for my personal experiance or opinion of chris.

it's funny chris's mom worrys if my mom has her hands full with me.. she dosen't.
but i know that chris's mom does.

all of these things. the conversations that i had with chris, his actions,
he's not the person at all i fell in love with.

the chris i fell in love with, was a kind, loving, caring individual, who showed it genuinly.
and when he spoke to me, i just knew from his voice how he felt.

the chris that i saw on the 20th. was a monster devoid of feeling and consious.

and at no time in anything i posted, did i ever say that i was completely innocent in this.

hell i even made a public apology or did chris, steve, and gabrille forget to mention that to you too?

furthurmore, none of this really is anyone's business, and that was my mistake for making these journals public.
instead of draging people into it, me and chris should have delt with it on our own.

i delt with this the best way i know how.

im overwhelmed. i mean think about it people.....

you get diagnosed with cancer, then all hell breaks loose in your relationship.....

you have to move, and then you get denied health care....

your supposed to have surgery.....

you have bills comeing out of your ears.......

everyone has there limits.

and im just about reached mine.

actions speak louder than words, and thats why i judge chris the way i do.
i mean yea...the words hurt too...but the actions....what he chose to do and how he did it. is what really takes the cake.

so my new aquantance, my advice to you...

before siding with someone or agenst them... get the facts from both sides. Sure you might not like what you have to hear.
but at least have the common decency to listen to both partys. otherwise, the safest bet is to choose to NOT get involved.

untill furthur notice, my surgery is post poned...due to health insurance issues (as in lack of)

  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious


chris ran away from me, as far and as fast as he could get... it must be nice to run from your problems.....

now that he's gone... i find myself wishing more and more each day to run from my problems as well...
i could run very far in 13 days, but somehow i know, that no matter how fast, or how far i run.. i cannot outrun this....
somehow, i know that when i tire of running, that my cancer....will be there waiting for me.

there are some things that a person cannot run from, no matter how hard or far or fast they run.
i don't want this surgery, i really don't.
but if i do not get it.....ill die...

i want to say that chris is the ultimate mindfuck....
but cancer is.... it fucks with you....physically, it makes the dr's poision you,
mentally it wears at you, becasue now for the rest of my life, im going to have to live in the shadow of the fear of cancer....
each dr's visit that checks for it....im going to wait in angst wondering if i have it again or not.

im depressed.....very depressed.

when i was with chris, after they diagnosed me with cancer, i used to pray...
i would pray each night before i went to bed, that i would wake up next to chris, if even for just one more day..
then chris dumped me, treated me like shit for 3 days, got back to gether with me, used me for sex, then dumped me the next day...saying things like how terrible i was, and that he wished i'd go to hell, and that i would die.

mebbie chris is right... mebbie i should die...
but even before he said that...when he broke up with me the last time.... i know longer prayed to wake up the next day..
i prayed to die. and each morning i wake up. im throughly convinced that there is no god.... and if by some chance im wrong...
then god really dosen't like me..mebbie it fits along with what chris's mother said  to me one day "has it ever occured to you, that you might have cancer becasue your gay?" now i do wonder....

mebbie becasue im gay, i pissed god off, so instead of killing me in my sleep like i prayed would happen, he wants me to live...just so i can suffer this ultimate humiliaton.
in 13 days there going to cut me up, and mutilate my body in ways that simply should not be done.....
when i leave that operating room, ill be missing a body part, and have yet another artifical thing attached semiperminantly to my body... ill have to cry in shame and humiliation at the tube they rammed up my dick.

i have never in my life wanted to die so badly.
and to be honist, i would have killed myself long ago.....if it where not for one thing... im too chicken shit too.
each night i pray to god, that he grow a spine and end my pathetic excuse for a life....

i no longer beleve in god. he dosen't exist. and if he did, he has a really fucked up and sick sence of humor, or really just dosen't give a fuck.

pray, my freinds tell me.. and i want to yell at them... not becasue they want me to pray to a ficticious non existant invilisible man in the sky... but becasue there actually ignorant enough to beleve that somehow it will help.... i want to point out that so will a steak through the head. or a bullet to the brain or something of that sort, works well too...

out of every illness i have ever had, out of ever vile thing i have ever come in contact, cancer.....has to take the cake...
it dosen't give a fuck if your young or old. it dosen't care what race you are, or that you have loved ones, or are loved yourself...
it just is...

i really do want to die. i wish someone would walk up to me, put a nice big gun to my head, in just the right place so there is no mistakes.... and pull the goddamned trigger..

in that one flash, all of my troubles would go away... my ass would stop acheing. my cancer woulden't be a problem anymore..
my hips woulden't hurt from the radiation, being sterile would no longer matter....
i woulden't have to worry about growing old, or dieing or getting sick....becasue i would be dead...
and would i know it? don't know...don't care...even winking out of existance is better than dealing with this.

i hate this I FUCKING HATE IT!

all this shit..
chris leaving me becasue it's easyer to run from your problems than to deal with them...
me getting diagnosed wtih cancer.
me having to lose body parts.
me not being able to do a goddamn thing about ANY of this.

but noooo. even deaths too good for me.
i have to suffer.

i figure this must be, becasue i am some terrible person.
mebbie i was terrible in a previous life, and this is my punishment.
mebbie i died already. and this is actually hell.
mebbie im sleeping and having a terrible night mare...like one of those kind that you cannot wake up from?

for those of you whom are foolish enough to pray to "God"
i ask that instead of praying for me to get better, which would involve alot of pain embarassment and humiliation.....
instead of praying for me to get better, please.....just pray for me to die.
if you want, pray that i die a painless death... or while im having sex or something...
but pray for me to die....nevertheless.

just please... don't pray for me to live. that would involve too much pain.
and between the pain in my mind from the cancer, the pain in my heart from chris. and the pain in my ass from cancer...
i just don't want it anymore. i just want to die.

if im lucky the surgeon will slip and sever a main artery or mebbie the anastesiologist will gas me to death by mistake.
IF i even have the surgery.

with luck...ill be dead long before then.

  • Current Music
    traditional funeral march.


as you all know the coward of a ex boyfreind christopher zeus, decided to dump me on the last day of my treatment, use me for sex (i call it rape) and dumped me. he also wished i would die.

mebbie i should just give up, mebbie chris is right, along with my mother, and a few other people. who think i am a mistake from birth, or should die, and burn in hell...

i have decided that im going to rename my tumor from timmy the tumor to christopher zeus the tumor, see i would love to kill chris in real life, to make him pay for what he did, but sadly society frowns on murder, so ill do the next best thing, kill my tumor.

on october 5th my surgery is arranged for.
and im terrified.

my mother calls me the living aborton, her mistake..
chris thinks im some terrible person that should die.
his mother hates me, as does his freind steve.

i can think of many others with this same veiw.

so why fight? mebbie im not supposed too, all my life i have had to work hard and fight hard for what i have,
im tired of fighting, mebbie this cancer is god's way of saying 'elphi" your times up..."
mebbie im not supposed to fight this cancer. mebbie it's whats supposed to kill me.

im terrified of what there going to do to me if i let them.

a small insicion a few inches in length just above my pubic bone to my belly button
they will peel back the flesh and muscle, and begin to cut off arterys, and veins, they will then cut out a foot of my rectum
and attach my colon directly to my asshole. at the same time, they will put in a illostomy bag... i think they call it that beacasuse it makes the person who has it ill.

im not comfertable with this idea at all.
i don't trust the surgeon, and i don't want him in my body
in fact, i don't want anyone in my body.

chris always told me "never give up, never surrender" but he did.
so why can't i?

i don't like where i am living, rose and kerry have been my freinds for over 16 years, and now, im just a stupid burdon on them.
becasue i am so weak from the bullshit the dr's did to me alredy, i cannot help them as much as i would like.
i hate the fact taht i am now weak, and tire easly. i hate the fact that i trusted the dr's to make me well, and all they have done is made me weaker. and more feeble.

these dr's tell you there trying to make you better,
then why the fuck am i getting sicker???!!!

everyone says "elphi, fight this beat it win" why? so i can be misurable with my guts cut open shitting in a bag, wtih a tube shoved up my dick? no thank you really.

everyone wants me to fight, and no one really knows what i want to do....
honistly im thinking the best thing for me, and everyone really. is for me not to have the surgery, and to just die.
in time everyone will forget me and move on with there lives.
chris woulden't have to worry about me "stalking him" or "hurting him" or some stupid bullshit like that.
rose and kerry woulden't have to worry about providing for me, or taking care of me.

i feel like a burdon, chris chastised me for collecting ssi/ssd. mebbie he's right, im just a fuckup, and a burdon on society.
im scared, weak, and tired.

for the longest time it seemed, chris was there for me. it was easyer to do this shit.
now i have to do it alone, and quite frankly, i don't want too, and at this time, i do not think im going too.
i don't have the stringth.

now when i drive my car, i don't really care if someone hits me, i disabled the airbag system in it, as if i get hit the last thing i want to do is survive. it will be easyer to have someone kill me in my car, than to die from the pain that the cancer will cause.

i no longer fear driving through the bad parts of citys and towns, in fact i welcome it, it's just one more chance for me to die...(hopefully)

to be honist, i don't even know why i write these blogs anymore... no one really gives a fuck.

if i had someone to fight for, or thought i was worth it, then no problem to the pain and physical disfuigurement that i would go through if i had the surgery.

but the one i wanted to fight to be with, wants me dead, and i don't think im worth fighting for, so why bother....

im tired of dealing with all this cancer shit. i have had enough.

at this time the only way ill have that surgery, is if court orderd. and thats just not going to happen.

anyways, once more im tired again v.v


  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed


im not a perfect person, and it seems that a few of my freinds, and my ex boyfreind seem to have me all figured out..

so now that my freinds think im some sort of terrible drug pushing lying asshole. and me fighting for my innocence only seems to make things worse, im not going to fight anymore.

whats the point in fighting when everyone already thinks your the bad guy in the first place?

october 5th was supposed to be the day that i have my body ripped apart. and reassembled the way medical science deems fit.

not anymore. im done, if i fight this, it will just get worse as well.
and why bother to fight? when im this lying stealing asshole? who wants that around?

everyone tells me to fight my cancer, well you know what? i don't want to fight anymore. and im not going too.
im done. chris, you win. you successfully have turned 99% of the people i called freinds agenst me. great. good for you.

so, im tired now, all my life i had to fight for everything i have, and time and time again people have hurt me. sure with my ex-wife i was just as much responsible for our break up as she was (we where terrible mates, but great freinds now ^_^ ) then there was merritt that diden't give a fuck about me.

then there was don, who was only with me becasue i had a nice place to live.

then there was chris, and im not even sure anymore what to make of that mess. i dont even know if he even cared about me or what. and now my freinds are siding with him, and thats really fucked up.

so i now have six people that are all saying the same thing, that i am a fucked up person. well your right i am, so gusse what, why would you want a fucked up person around? you don't. so ill help that out a bit, it will take 5 or 7 years of i would assume excruciating pain before i die, but in the end you will all be happy won't you? a terrible person has left the world never to bother you again. i mean after all, thats what you all want isen't it?

im done fighting, thats it. and if you all don't like it. well then fuck off.

  • Current Music
    none of your fucking business.